I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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