i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
