just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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