hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
