another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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