you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
