apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Did I show you my penis last night?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
