Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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