When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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