I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
