before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
