i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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