I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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