I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
try to milk me bitch
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