Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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