does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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