You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
