Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
