You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
