Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
