i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
