i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
