Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
