Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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