She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
