my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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