They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
