youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
