My hair reeks of homosexuality.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
