instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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