Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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