I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
