Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
