Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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