dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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