happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
