If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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