im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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