Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Say something about gay babies.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
