Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize