sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
