Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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