all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
