phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
