things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
