shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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