I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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