you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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