there's paper in my vomit.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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