i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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