I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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