dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
