Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We had to coat check the pizza.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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