I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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