no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
