hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
