Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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