Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
